Look Me in the Eye

Every now and then in life we get given a piece of advice, or criticism, that resonates deep. It can come from the most unusual places and people and more often than not catches us off guard, when we are vulnerable, making it all the more powerful.

I can recall just two moments in my life where I have been given advice/criticism so profound that it has literally changed my life. And both these times this advice has come from unlikely sources. One, from a young English backpacker in a bar in Austria, and the other from a friend over burgers at dinner in LA.

The most recent source of criticism came from a friend. This was not a friend id known for a lifetime, rather id only known her for a few months, but I trusted her judgement all the same. At dinner one night, I was chatting away happily about my plans for my future when she stopped me mid sentence. She told me that ‘If your gonna be successful, you really need to start looking people in the eye when you talk to them...’ Now, I could not tell you the number of times iv been told this, this was nothing new, but something about being called out like that, in public, by this friend, who insisted ‘I’m not saying this to criticize you, im telling you this because I care…’ seemed to strike a chord deep inside me.

 It caught me off guard, not only that she had called me out on such a personal habit, but that she was telling me this because she cared enough to want to help me. Iv never been told this advice with such sincerity, and I was probably never at a point in my life where I was comfortable to accept it. But I embarrassedly brushed it off, like I always do, and defendently put it down to ‘trust issues’. But then she questioned me… Didn’t I trust her?

I did trust her.

As the friend who instinctively put her arm out to grab me whilst braking suddenly in a car, I trusted her with my life. I felt ashamed that I couldn’t even look her in the eye, but it made me realise that it wasn’t a trust issue that was holding me back. It was something much more.

My main struggle with eye contact arises when im forced to talk about myself. I’m humble, and will avoid anything that makes me seem egotistical, and I hate people thinking I think big of myself. But the real reason I avoid eye contact, I realised, was fear. Fear of being judged, of not meeting expectations, fear that they might actually see the insecurities I possess. Fear of failure. I was so scared of the reaction that I would see in peoples eyes that seemed to be piercing me, judging me, that I was simply scared to look. Even my parents were victims of my shyness. My anxiety about what reaction I would see in their eyes, a dilation of the pupils, a contraction, approval, disapproval, plagued me with nerves even over the most simple of conversations.

As a kid its ok to be shy, almost cute, but as a young adult trying to be taken seriously in a corporate world, shyness can be as damaging as slapping your boss in the face.

Whilst I had gradually grown in confidence through life, my ability to look people in the eye had no linear correlation, and had not improved at all.

So, after that conversation over burgers and onion rings, I decided right then and there that it was time I did change. My friend was right, if i didn’t try I wasn’t going to succeed as well down the path my life was leading ‘If you’re going to be meeting all these important people, they will never take you seriously unless you can look them in the eye… ‘

So, im working on it. Holding my head high and looking people in the eye.

Its hard.

Much harder than it sounds, any introvert will agree with me. I generally aim for a spot between their eyes, just above the bridge of the nose, I find this easier than direct eye contact, but it’s a start. But already iv noticed a difference. I used to find conversations awkward and uncomfortable, but with simple eye contact iv found that I instinctively relax, and so does the person im talking to. I don’t feel so uncomfortable, less twitchy and awkward, and quite frankly I feel like they are listening more. And I feel a small sense of pride when talking about myself, and its about time really. I’m determined to work on it until it becomes second nature, and not something I have to consciously remind myself of. But right now im happy to just be able to hold a conversation at a function without being an internal nervous wreak.

You see, id been told to ‘look people in the eye’ from so many people, for as long as I can remember. But id never taken it on board, to heart, like I did that night. I don’t know why that advice was different, why I finally decided to take note and make a change. But I do know that it is turning out to be one most profound, yet simple, pieces of advice iv ever been given